Staying true

Dear Ana,

Yesterday was so great. I only ate one small plate of spagheti because I had to and I even left leftovers. I resisted ice cream, chocolate, more ice cream, crepes, hot chocolate, chicken and buns.

I loved myself so much all day because I felt pure and worthy of love and it was so easy to talk to he boys. I don't think I have ever been that confident and talkative.

Also, I absolutely cared. My mind was so free and I saw the beauty in so many things- the forest, people, just my entire life.

After dinner I lost focus of why it was right not to eat and ate a bowl of caramel candy. Bad! I felt so gross afterwards, didn't care about anything, hated myself and didn't have any patience, no love, just self hate.

Today is a new day so I will skip breakfast and eat only a little for dinner. I think the problem yesterday was that I was thirsty.... I've got to drink more, which is hard cause were going on such a long car ride...

For future reference though: it's worth it to resist your appetite even if it seems like torture and the only way out. After a couple hours it will go away and you will love life again :)

Love, emma

Happy without food :)

Dear Ana, today I only had a salad for dinner and I resisted just about everything- cake, pizza, waffles, candy, snacks... And you know what? I feel great, I feel clean and I talked so much,I was able to love myself and I just had such a healthy self esteem that I was able to just talk and laugh and have fun and maybe even flirt a little... No not flirt, But I was presenting myself from my best side: happy, innocent, lovely, charming :) and I love it.

I really want to be skinny like Jenny humford and have a boyfriend like Dan. I know its cheesy but I'm sick of realistic :) might as well live the dream.

I am very tempted to order reducil, but I know I shouldn't even start. It's tempting because I would be skinny fast,but I would rather have the control myself and the assurance that it will stay like that even after the pills run out. His thought alwAys gives me new strength :)

I will be skinny, thanks to you :) I won't let you down, and I realize now that you're not bad, I'm loving myself and life and you :)

Love, emma

Ps: I love having people tell me that I have to eat, or telling me I shouldn't worry, or don't have to. I know they're not right, but I love being cared for :)

After lunch

Dear Ana,

Today I only had coffee all morning and felt great. I talked a lot and felt more and more loved as I was more active in my circle of friends. My stomach hurt from hunger and I felt great. Then we had lunch. I only had vegetables and salad. I tried talking a lot to keep in mind that there are more important things than eating, but afterwards I just felt miserable and worthless again because everyone else just keeps on living after the meal and my head just stays behind thinking about food and I feel worthless and disgusting.

So I ate some chocolate, and hated myself even more! I forced myself to stop and now I'm writing to you because I feel lonely and unloved and incapable and I'm just so stressed out about food...

I don't want to have to eat anymore because I want to at least be worthy of love because I am thin. I know you will reward me with a beautiful body, with cheekbones jutting out and long hair flowing around my skinny face.

I know that's what I want. Thank you for promising me. Now I think I will soon be able to concentrate on life again :)

Forever faithful, Emma <3

I can't sleep

Dear Ana,

I can't sleep. I feel fat and disgusting because I am. I wish i Had a friend who would keep me accountable but i don't. So I decided to write to you. I feel kind of bad about it but I was just about to order reductil and then realized If I was that desperate I should have enough willpower in me to do it myself in an honest way. I just need someone to tell me where to direct that willpower, to remind me of what I want. So that's you.

I always complain about the circumstances under which I am- too much food... but really it's just my head.
So please Ana, help me do this.

Love, emma